Today’s the 19th, in case you can’t find the calender on your computer. For me, that means that it’s been a month since I broke up for good with my ex.

It’s been an interesting month. I’ve gone through a great deal of different emotions at different times, but all in all, I’ve mostly been happy. There have been isolated pockets of pain, like when I thought my ex was refusing to talk to me. I feel better now knowing better, but she has decided that she was not quite ready to talk with me after all. It sucks, but at least I know I’m not being snubbed. Maybe she’ll be able to talk with me eventually. I’m just going to give her time and space and see what happens. All I want from her soon is my stuff back.

Well, this week’s a bitch, I should probably be studying right now.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

Between a man and a woman
Life begins again
Between love and confusion
There lies only pain

Between a man and a woman
It’s everything or nothing at all.

BPC

Short post, mostly just an update from my Snubbed post.

My ex and I talked for a good hour the other day. She said she had been scared to talk to me, that she wouldn’t have anything to say or that I’d have changed far too much and be a jerk or whatever. I understand, she’s always been like that. Usually, in the past, I could always talk her through it, but.. such is the scenario. I’m glad we talked, it was nice to get updates, and we’re gonna see if we can make this whole friend thing work.

Worth a shot, right?

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

So far away from everyone and everything starts today
Let’s keep it together
Can we keep it together
We’re singing a new song now and everything starts today

BPC

Two days ago, I decided to send my ex an e-mail, telling her that I missed talking to her and figured that since she’d moved on enough to start a new relationship. I hoped I’d get an IM later that day or the next saying that she’d talk, or at least an e-mail saying that she’s not quite ready yet. But I received NOTHING. Hell, at this point I’d take an e-mail just telling me to fuck off, at least its a response. I know I was the one to end our 3 and 3 quarter years relationship, but I still feel if she can’t even respond to my e-mail, then all that time was for nothing. Every minute of every day I spent with her seems to lose all meaning if we can’t even attempt a friendship.

I guess she finally succumbed to her friends telling her that I’m an asshole and a jerk. Its understandable, seeing how what I’ve done isn’t exactly nice. Or maybe she talked it over with her new boyfriend and he pointed out all of my flaws and what I’ve done wrong and compared them to his great traits. Whatever, I just wish she could give me a chance to talk to her. She told me even on the last day I talked to her that she wants to try and remain friends, that she doesn’t want to lose her best friend.

Guess things change quickly in 3 weeks.

I’ll try talking directly to her in a day or two and see if she got the e-mail, and if she did, I guess that’s that. We’ll be over forever, never to talk except the occasionally awkward meeting at a mutual place.

I fucking hate this, it hurts no matter who you are.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

BPC

Well, it’s been quite a bit since I last posted, and quite a bit has happened. To add some closure to my last post, later the same morning I posted it, I got a response to a grade school friend who transferred to my college. He only had one roommate and had a good lottery number, so he was willing to take us in. On top of all that, our housing preferences matched, so it actually worked out much better than I ever could’ve hoped. Big guy must be watching out for me.

On the more personal side of things, the past 2 weeks have seen a major upheaval in the status quo. My girlfriend and I had been having troubles since I came back to her after taking a break for another girl. When I got back to school after break and began spending time with the other girl again, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to make things work with my girlfriend, so we broke up. Seems shes taking it better than she did the break, though I haven’t been able to talk to her because she’s not ready. I understand that, and I’m glad to hear shes doing ok, but I really don’t want to lose her as a friend. I know it’s selfish of me to want that after hurting her twice, but it may happen. It’s up to her.

With the amount of contact I have with her, it seems like shes completely fine, which makes me feel like I’m actually doing worse through all this than she is. I bet she’s probably pretty torn up at times, but I just don’t see it. I feel like I don’t have a right to feel weird about all of this, seeing as it was my decision, but at times I have the realization that all the time we spent together is just…. gone. In one fell swoop, I destroyed the relationship that was more important to me than anything else for the last almost 4 years. It’s a really scary thought and a strange feeling. However, I have to remind myself that had I not done this, then I would be constantly wracked with doubt about which girl I should be with. So as much as the episodes like that suck, I know it would be worse otherwise.

In the meantime, I’ve gotten back together with the other girl and we’ve begun dating. She is understanding of everything thats happen in the past few months, and gets that this isn’t a walk in a park for me. She wants my ex and me to talk and be friends, and is constantly keeping me from losing my head because of something that depresses me in this whole situation. But for the most part, I am happy, and that’s all I can hope for now.

I’m ready to talk whenever you’re ready.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

I hate to see you cry lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
BPC

I fucking hate housing. When I got my number, I felt like I was going to throw up because it was shitty and I didn’t know what I was going to do. When the kid I was going to share an apartment with told me him and his roommate both had good numbers, I calmed down and was happy. I figured “that’s that, the rest of the detail’s we’ll just iron out and we’ll be fine”

Wrong.

Just FUCKING Wrong.

Instead, my friend’s roommate decided that he’d rather live with another guy who had a shitty number and my friend would rather room with him than us. We have 3 days to turn in our housing, and neither myself or my roommate has a very good number. With so few days left, all of our friends already have arrangements for their housing next year.

And all of this is piled directly on top of all of my relationship issues from the past few months.

I hate this shit.

Because I couldn’t sleep last night, I can’t really come up with a song. Just imagine something angry/depressing and you’ll nail it.

BPC

Right?

Lately I’m not so sure. I know the past few months have changed me, and I know I’m now more knowledgable and in tune with my feelings than I have been. As a result, being more in tune with my feelings means I’m more self aware and prone to arrogance. I KNOW a great deal about myself and my abilities, but maybe I know too much.

Yesterday, my mom lost it on me early in the morning. I was tactless when she asked me to go in to work with my dad to help him out. I wound up going, but only after she flipped out on me. She told me that I had treated her and the rest of my family like dirt. I know I havn’t been a great son since I’ve been home because I’ve had so much on my mind, and I hadn’t talked with her much at school for the same reason. I don’t want to talk things out with her. But at the same time, I feel confident in my ability to handle things, and perhaps I have become arrogant because of how well I feel I’ve handled everything thus far.

I know I’ve changed in how I handle some of my relationships. I know I’ve not been great to my family, but I don’t feel I’ve been any worse than normal. I’ve never been good about communicating with them, and with everyone working on a different schedule than mine, I don’t get to see them much anyway. With my girlfriend, its almost become more casual. I find myself saying some things that are a little more honest or mean than I used to say. Nothing I wouldn’t say to a friend in jest, but over some invisible line that used to be between she and I.

An arrogant, asshole of a guy is something that I’ve always hated, something I’ve always strived to not be. And I still feel I’m not the arrogant, asshole that every guy is, but I make jokes that make me seem more arrogant and totally convinced of my awesomeness. I don’t know, but it may be slowly leaking into my brain. I try to stay grounded in my abilities, but I like to hear that I’m intelligent or get something quickly.

Basically, I know I’m different. To go through everything I’ve put myself through this last semester and come out the otherside completely the same is impossible. But I’m afraid there was something to what my mom said. She actually offered to let me move out and keep the suitcases. She loves me, and she would’ve seen me out the door. She was sad when I left to begin the semester, now she’s trying to see me out? I know she was angry, but she went as far as to get the suitcases. That says alot to me. Maybe there’s something bad and different about me. My mom and I made up, but damn if that’s not staying with me. At times, I feel like I’m being a total asshole to my girlfriend and I can’t stop myself. Sometimes I feel like she’d actually be better without me, seeing as I caused her so much pain and might still be causing her pain by being an asshole. But she’s willing to try, and so am I. She sees what I’m like and is still willing to be with me, so thats enough for me to keep trying.

I just hope I’ve not become the asshole that I hate. I’ve been so good about fighting self-hatred for a long time. I like myself, just hopefully not too much.

Change-inevitable as the eventual broken chair for a guy who just won’t stop eating.

Edit: I forgot to mention that when my mom brought out the suitcases, I actually considered moving out, if it was an actual option. I’ve had other recent episodes where I’ve felt like doing something so far out of my normal character that its frightening.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I’m not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

BPC

I’m a firm believer in the fact that once something is said, it is doomed to be untrue. I don’t mean things like “The sky is blue”, “Gravity is real”, or “Digital is a creepy-ass motherfucker” because these things can never be untrue. I mean things about myself, my relationships, whatever. As soon as I say I think its ok, everything goes to hell.

So to say it without saying it, I’m happy. Right here and now, I am happy. Maybe it’ll last, but it is way too soon to say that things are fixed. Things are getting better, and like everything that heals, only time will tell the final outcome.

I’ve learned a couple of very important things about myself and how I feel about everything in the past few weeks, realizing truly the difficulty inherent in this situation that I’ve brought upon myself. I still don’t regret anything, I just may have done things a bit differently at the end had I realized things this fully. But now its all on the table, ready to be worked on and it feels ok for the time being.

I’m Happy.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

BPC

Unlike that dumb bitch that wants a hippo for christmas or that dumbass rodent that wants a hula hoop, I’d like something significantly more… significant. I just want some stability in my relationships. It doesn’t seem like something so hard to ask for, since for the past three and a half years, I’ve had exactly that. Perfect stability. Feelings so strong for someone that they dwarfed any and all crushes, hook up possiblities, and other random romantic feeling. After so much shit’s happened in the last month, now that I’m back with the same girl, but that stability has not returned.

What happened? Where did it go?

Well, there’s only two ways to consider this from where I stand, and I’m deciding that its because of all these precedings that we are not relating to one another as we used to. We just need to work it out a little and we can be back on track. It’s not easy, but I guess I’ve been fooling myself in thinking it should and would be. Here’s hoping it’s that instead of door number two that’ll lead to the implosion of three and a half years of work in a relationship and, more than likely, our friendship.

I did this.. experiment, if you will.. to find happiness. In the process of it, it seems that I lost the happiness I had when I began.

Stability=Happiness to me.

Is it so much to ask for? No, but no one is going to bring me stability on a silver platter or anything, so its time I got dirty and got it myself.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

This is not the way I saw anything happening
We spent our summers hanging under flickering street lights
Nowadays there’s nothing on the radio
I just hear your voice, I just hear your voice

Come on and jump in the fire, the first ones on me
Feel the burn of missing every opportunity
If you stand the heat we can play loud enough you’ll agree
You haven’t seen the last of me

BPC

I’m getting there. Calc and Physics tests are outta the way, hopefully with good results. Matlab and C++ are underway. Those projects and a few finals between me and Christmas break and some good downtime.

So, I’ve been staying up at night think about random stuff. The stuff’s been really random, but its so fleeting most of the time. All that remains are thought fragments.

Sunday night, I found myself thinking about everything under the sun. I considered all my 20 years of life, all my experience, and it actually inspired me to open this blog. In 20 years, I’ve learned so much, done so many good things, but also have made numerous mistakes. When I think back, I find myself dissappointed in the amount of time it really took me to become self aware. Its not like I didn’t know I existed, I just had no concept of self-image. I didn’t see who I was, didn’t know what I did to people, and most of all, I didn’t know why I was unhappy. I realized I didn’t really have friends, that I was an asshole and I wanted to change. I was 13 or 14. 7th or 8th grade. From that point on, I made it a point to make myself a better person. All throughout high school, I worked to not be an asshole, to cultivate real friendships with people who would care. Turns out it worked. In my life, I have 3 women who care about me and whom I care for so much. I figure thats a pretty good outcome of 20 years of life, or 6-7 years of work on self-improvement.

There’s been times in my life where I’ve absolutely lost it, went crazy, screamed at people and been majorly depressed. Not anything I’m particularly proud of, but I’m ok with it because I have changed. I know myself well enough to keep these things from happening, or at least keeping them from the general population. While these experiences suck, it helps keep me grounded. Life’s not ideal, but you just have to work through it. If I’ve learned anything, its that life is what you make it. Allow yourself to feel, hurt if you need to, but don’t dwell on it. It’s been said too many times, but life’s too short.

Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once and a while, you could miss it.

Regardless of what’s happened to me in the past 20 years, I’m happy with who I am, with my relationships and friends and what I’ve learned. Doesn’t mean in gonna stop changing anytime soon. There’s always room for improvement, and I’m a perfectionist. (Edit: I missed the “a” in the last sentence… fuck, I’m a terrible perfectionist)

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

I’m just a guy that never tried
I’m just a stupid fuck with brilliant luck
and sometimes a bright idea
So shower me in a chorus of compliments
and verse I don’t deserve
I might run but I’ll never hide

BPC

This week just hit me like a train full of bricks, elephants, and fat, angry feminists. In case you care:

Tuesday- Calc test, WXVU-mas thing, Women’s Game, Radio show

Wednesday- Physics test, Babel shoot

Thursday- Matlab final due, Women’s game

Friday- Study for finals, work on program

Saturday- C++ Final, CPE Final, C++ lab 7 due

Sunday, Monday- Study, relax (if I get exempt from Monday’s Calc final)

Tuesday- Physics Final

I might lose my mind this week.

Current State of my Head Described by Lyrics:

Come and lay down your head upon my chest,
feel my heart beat, feel my unrest.
If Jesus could only wash my feet,
then I’d get up strong, and muscle on.

BPC